ISSUE 3: WHAT'S GOING ON WITH SMOOTHIES?
Erewhon smoothies meet their match. Plus: other stuff that's on my radar.
We’re back for issue 3. The holy trinity.
Thanks all for reading Issue 2 and for your validating feedback about my experience at SQIRL. That place is now my bad-news-ex I will think about sometimes and make excuses for, even through they broke my heart and sent an earwig after it.
If you’re new here, welcome! Let’s get into it.
SMOOTHIE CULTURE NEEDS TO BE CHECKED
Ahhhh, smoothies. I literally love smoothies. For real. They are my favorite food. Ever since I was a little girl and had to fill out what my favorite food was on a questionnaire, I would put “smoothies and Mexican food.”
If that wasn’t the canary in the coal mine that I would one day move out to LA, I don’t know what is.
MY SMOOTHIE EBBS + FLOWS
I have gone through a lot of phases with smoothies. When I was living in DC, I made really elaborate smoothies that required preparation so intense that it made me question if I was legitimately bordering on the edge of orthorexia (an obsession with proper or “healthful” eating”). I was cutting, steaming, and freezing zucchini and sweet potato, which I then added to my smoothies in the morning. Chaotic. I wasn’t “doing banana” at the time, so that’s what I did. I wasn’t happy at work when I was making these labor-intensive smoothies, and this is where I got my kicks. Some people gamble to fill a hole in their heart, but I put frozen zucchini in my smoothies. I think I learned to do it from an influencer. And then of course she literally came out as being orthorexic and stopped being a wellness influencer.
In the aftermath of my smoothie rampage, I actually developed a severe food sensitivity to zucchini and chia seeds. Not even joking.
These are the complexities of health and wellness attempts. We think we are being good little pupils. Then, we overdo it and it creates another problem. At least for me. I am a freak! Also, I am definitely in better health now than I was then, so idk. A lot to unpack another time.
During the pandemic, I pretty much stopped making smoothies and switched to oatmeal for breakfast. I had a multi-year issue with being constipated prettyyyy often. Like crying what’s wrong with me often. And not drinking freezing cold sludge first thing in the morning really helped my digestion (among other things I was doing). In Ayurvedic principles, eating anything really cold (especially first thing in the AM) is not advised because it literally “puts out your digestive fire.” This makes sense to me. If you have sluggish digestion and have been pounding ice cold smoothies every morning, I’d definitely recommend taking a break and seeing how you feel.
But now, I am back on my smoothies pretty regularly for breakfast, though they are nowhere near as elaborate as when I was living in DC. I really just love smoothies for their ability to carry all the goods like veggies first thing in the morning. They get the job done. This is what I put in my smoothies right now:
A SMOOTHIE
coconut milk (from refrigerated section, not canned—I’m not a French prince)
greens (whatever I have, normally ends up being mixed spring greens that I’d eat as salad, honestly)
two slices of ginger root (this is probably the freakiest thing in my smoothie rn)
two scoops of protein powder (to get to 30g, I use Sprout Protein’s EPIC PROTEIN unflavored which is the best I’ve found in my search over the years)
frozen wild blueberries
1/2 frozen banana that I freeze when it’s just barely ripe
I also like to “eat” my smoothies instead of drink (chewing is good for digestion), so I will add a couple tablespoons of rolled oats and a little almond butter right before I eat so that I’m truly chewing on a big cup of slop. Because that is how you change ur life.
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE (EREWHON)
As a marketing industry person, I am so interested in the phenomenon that is Erewhon smoothies. As a smoothie connoisseur and wellness industry slut, I just simply cannot get enough when the news breaks about the latest collab.
However, I have concerns about what has become of the Erewhon smoothie.
Unless you have been living under a rock, you have probably heard of the Hailey Bieber “Strawberry Glaze” smoothie. It’s the pink and white smoothie that purports skin-supporting ingredients like sea moss and hyaluronic acid.
It was no doubt a phenomenon and marketing coup. This article is really fascinating if you want to learn more about how branded Erewhon smoothies came to be and the marketing machine that brings them to life.
The most compelling thing I read in this article is that brands literally pay to have their products featured in these smoothies. So, for instance, if there are two almond milk brands that want to be in the next Erewhon smoothie, they will essentially buy the “ad space” of being THE almond milk that goes in that smoothie. It’s seen as that big of an advertisement, even for the ingredients in the smoothie, which I think is soooo wild. And makes sense!
Anyway, the Hailey Bieber smoothie was and still is huge, as are other smoothies smacked with influencer names that continue to roll out. However, the more I read the ingredient lists, I’m like…I think this is health-washing? Because the ingredient lists are giving milkshake. WHICH IS FINE, I FUCKING LOVE MILKSHAKES THEY ARE LIKE THE COOL AUNT OF SMOOTHIES. But I think it’s funny that people are like omg health and then drink a smoothie with maple syrup in it. Actually, more than just maple syrup. Here is the ingredient list for the Hailey Beebs smoothie:
MAPLE SYRUP SMOOTHIES
Ok so let me get this straight. There are bananas, dates, maple syrup, stevia, stevia in the collagen peptides, and then sugar in the “strawberry sauce” (which they made the decision to not list the ingredients of here) in this smoothie. And I’ve clocked maple syrup (and similar sweeteners to those above) in pretty much every branded Erewhon smoothie since.
So I can’t help but wonder…are Erewhon smoothies just a phenomenon because—not unlike other phenomena in American food culture—they’re actually just a sweet treat?
We all love a sweet treat, and I’m not shitting on that. But these are branded as healthy smoothies sold at the it-girl of “healthy grocery stores,” so it just makes you think. They’re giving “sugar-loaded gummy vitamins” but smoothies.
I also noticed that for one of the recent smoothies with Miranda Kerr, the official recipe list has “maple” on it. Not “maple syrup,” just maple. I believe this to be a deliberate move trying to gloss over the fact that there is literal maple syrup in the smoothies, but who knows. Maybe I’m a smoothie conspiracy theorist.
To answer your question, yes. I have tried the Hailey Bieber smoothie. I had to. When I ordered though, I asked for no maple syrup, stevia, or the strawberry “glaze.” (No, I don’t like having fun!) And you know what it tasted like? Bad. It tasted like those yogurt cups with plain yogurt on top and the strawberry concoction on the bottom that you have to mix in, but it doesn’t really taste that good no matter how much you mix it. Does that still make it a good product if you take out the sweeteners? Because I literally was so mad I got it, haha. I don’t think I even finished it. A waste of money for sure, but at least I didn’t get a sugar crash…
THIS LEGIT MAKES ME LAUGH
These smoothies are really expensive, as most people who are familiar with them know. They clock in around $20, which is no surprise because I mean, they are putting expensive supplements in them. But I had to laugh when they came out with the Kourtney Kardashian POOSH smoothie that looked like a goth cup of Travis Barker puree, and it had activated charcoal in it.
As a quick reminder, people take activated charcoal to ABSORB something in their body they are trying to get out. Like…I dont know, poison. If you’re taking charcoal for detox support, you’re supposed to take it hours apart from taking your supplements or medication, because it will literally absorb them and carry them out of your body.
Was there no nutritionist working on this smoothie who was like hey, you guys realize the charcoal is gonna absorb the trace mineral drops and hyaluronic acid you’re putting in this smoothie right? I just found the smoothie announcement with its ingredients on the POOSH website, and it literally says under the charcoal powder “*This product is highly absorbent and may reduce the effectiveness of some medications or nutritional supplements.”
And that’s what I call comedy.
Anyway, my goal here is not to shame anyone for drinking maple syrup. My goal here is to say that these smoothies are definitely more of a treat than the epitome of health like they’re made out to be. They are branded with faces of hot models who’ve probably had botox and other work done, and so to think we will look gorgeous and healthy after drinking them is probably pretty silly.
This isn’t even why people typically make fun of Erewhon, but this is why I’m making fun of Erewhon. It’s actually the most American thing ever that people are calling out the price more than the sugar content. AND WE LOVE THAT FOR US!!! P.S. I have been a paid Erewhon member for two years. :) Help me.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on smoothies! Smoothies at home, your hot takes on Erewhon smoothies, whatever you got for me about smoothies. I LOVE SMOOTHIES!!
WHAT’S ON MY RADAR 📡
Rachel Dratch just released a podcast called Woo Woo. That sentence makes my heart swoon. I haven’t listened yet, but I am so excited we are kindred spirits. Rachel, can we hang out and get pictures taken of our auras?
Speaking of smoothies, Vital Proteins (known for their collagen) just came out with a plant-based protein powder. They’re coming for the vegans’ wallets!
I really want to try this low-impact workout that Jennifer Aniston endorses called Pvolve. They have a studio in West Hollywood which is kind of a trek for me, but I am curious. Anyone wanna go?
cocokind, one of my favorite daily skincare brands, just dropped a “beginner retinol gel” this week. Marketed as being safe for sensitive skin with no harsh irritation, it’s safe to say this almost-30-year-old with new forehead lines is interested.
I just got Britney Spears’ memoir, and I cannot wait to read. She has been my fave since I was 5 years old.
SEE ME PERFORM LIVE THIS WEEK!
LA friends: I’m performing at GOAT SHOW: HOUSE OF VILLAINS this Thursday 10/26 at 8pm. It’s going to be an immersive, villain-themed show with characters, standup, and I believe some drag! Event details and tix at the link above. Would love to see you there!
That’s it for this issue!
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Thanks so much for reading! Love ya and see you next week!
LJ
Recent girl to the morning smoothing club, here! I also love that I can get a bunch of greens and protein at the beginning if the day. I’m SHOOK by the ad space in the erewhon smoothies. That being said - the Emma Chamberlin one that literally has cookie in the name is unreal. It’s a gorgeous milkshake.
Will drinking activated charcoal absorb Botox, fillers and implants? Asking for a friend named Poosh.