WEARING SUNGLASSES INSIDE FOR EFFECT

Electrolyte and toothpaste conspiracies, plus a big update

My friends! My family! Mi famiglia!

I recently left a voicemail on my friend’s answering machine (editor note: I genuinely just typed that sentence stream of consciousness and I’m leaving it, despite it being 2025), and in my message, I was completely doing what I thought was a strong Italian accent. As they teach you in voiceover classes, you can “hear your hands” in your voice, so I was doing the little Italian hand 🤌 while I left her the voicemail.

I thought I was so funny, but it turns out she couldn’t understand anything I was saying. It was incredibly embarrassing. I will probably do it again. Sorry, Tyler.

FLIPPING OUT

Earlier today when I was working, I had this thing happen where I’m pretty sure I wasn’t breathing. I say that because I had this flipping feeling in my head, and it felt like my eyes crossed. Has this ever happened to you? Call this number: 1 800 OFF TO THE RACES.

Anyway, my fellow gluten-sensitive friend once told me this happens to her when she eats gluten (which, btw is the first time I’ve had anyone describe this feeling that I find so hard to describe..this is why community is critical). I did not eat gluten recently (to my knowledge), but either way, it happened. Oh wait, I mean: “it happened” 🤌.

I thought it might be my eyes getting freaky looking at my screen, so I decided to put on my glasses with tinted lenses that make me look like a 70s porn star. I also wear them as blue blockers. What do you guys think?

Anyway, the glasses helped. However, I have a deep increasing fear that Instagram and its technologies can read minds (and I don’t say that passively like “omg you totally read my mind.” I say it like—well, like someone who would be labeled as a conspiracy theorist.) I say this because hours later I checked Instagram, and I had an ad video served to me that was a woman on a walk in an environment I can only describe as “the opening scene of Cheaper by the Dozen starring Steve Martin.” She said “do you randomly get lightheaded or feel [xyz] way?” And it was basically the feeling I had when my eyes crossed. I glanced at the caption to see she was selling electrolytes.

I didn’t take the time to figure out which brand the video was for (apologies to that Paid Media Associate’s budget), that but I did go to the store after work to buy a brand of electrolytes that I do like.

GLASSES FOR EFFECT

Have you ever worn sunglasses in a store? When one of my best friends was in town last, she remarked “wow, everyone in LA wears sunglasses inside.” And I was like — really? Do they?

I have since realized they kind of do. My friend lives in DC (where I used to live) and everyone wears their Ann Taylor LOFT pants on their first dates. But in LA? Everyone wears little sunglasses that make you look like a rat driving a racecar. I don’t have a photo to support this notion, but use your imagination.

This past weekend, I stopped into Erewhon (where I returned to after work for my electrolytes), and I saw someone in the public eye who I admire and their partner. They were both wearing their sunglasses, and I thought — do they think it works? Concealing their identity? Or are they doing the opposite?

What I mean is, my boyfriend is a true Leo Rising because he has started purposefully wearing his sunglasses into Erewhon because he wants people to THINK he is a celebrity and say “who is that?” I decided to wear my sunglasses into Erewhon on my electrolytes mission, not knowing if I was doing it to draw people’s attention to me or away from me. Or if the lights were like really bright, and I got used to wearing my porn star glasses earlier (they did soothe the retinas).

I don’t know whether the glasses did anything tbh. I had to take them off a couple times, so I genuinely don’t think people with dark sunglasses can see when they wear them inside. If anything, I think their circadian rhythms must be absolutely fucked. I pray for them.

Anyway, I bought chicken taquitos and bean salad with my electrolytes…

…Hoping to be saved by avocado oil-fried Mexican food, fiber, and a hydrating supplement that also promises to make you beautiful. This is the an LA experience for you.

CRITICAL TOOTHPASTE SHAKEUP

I have been using Boka toothpaste for a while, and I swear their Whitening toothpaste has legitimately made my teeth look amazing. I would have recommended it strongly this time two days ago, but when I brushed my teeth with my new shipment of it the other night, I noticed …something was different. Too different. Its once gentle mint flavor was suddenly very intense in a synthetically bad way. It made me nauseous. This sounds dramatic, but it did. It was so unrecognizable that I was like…is this a new formula? Sure enough, I dug my old tube out of the recycling bin (yeah, I recycle, I’m really hot), and the ingredient label is ABSOLUTELY DIFFERENT from the new one. I cannot say which ingredients are new or removed, but they are in a different order, and the vibes are off.

left: formula I like | right: formula that is a no for me

I’m going to try to return it to Amazon, and if they tell me to just keep it, I will give it to my boyfriend who can handle anything. I’m not hyperbolizing: he once accidentally ate raw chicken and was fine (we are built differently).

While I was at Erewhon, I searched for my beloved Boka with a picture of the OLD ingredient label on my phone. I was like a mother during the Industrial Revolution running through the streets screaming “HAVE YOU SEEN MY CHILD?” with a hand-drawn portrait. There was one package of Boka left, but sadly the ingredient labels did not match up. My child has been crushed by the conveyor belt, I fear.

I resorted to David’s “sensitive and whitening toothpaste” with nano hydroxyapatite (the ingredient I liked in Boka for enamel strengthening). I’ll have to report back. My mom has apparently been using this toothpaste and let me know she bought it for “half the cost” in Ohio. I’m happy for her.

big update

You are all the first to hear right now (unless we are on a texting basis) that I have officially finished my script for my one-woman show. (!!) I have been working on this show (since the initial seed of the idea) for about 5 years. I feel like I just gave birth and now I have to give birth again. Irish twins, but for my script and then my actual live show. Except one will be a five year old, and one will be a preemie. We will have a reality TV show. Is this metaphor going too far? Good.

Here is a clue, via a piece of Barbara Kruger art, of what my show is about:

“The future belongs to those who can see it” by Barbara Kruger

I was going to share the name of the show, but I got nervous. Not yet. Soon! I am going to try to share some progress here along the way as the show develops! The most I’ll say right now is that it’s a one woman show within a show. Mysterious. Layered. Rich. Je ne sais quois. Croissant. I’m meeting with an awesome person this week to start working on a ~song~ that’s in the show, I have an ask out to a venue I recently discovered and love…and I’m moving into the stage of looking for a director. I’m truly so excited for it; I can’t wait to share my show with you all. Please come! Once you know actual info about it. I’m aiming to open it this fall (details to come).

random essential mentions

Bags that recycle your sad clothes. I have been driving around for like 6 months with a bag of clothes I need to take to Crossroads to try to sell. For everything else that is not in good shape for even donations (including old bras), I have been using these Trashie bags, which allow you to mail in your old clothes for recycling or repurposing. Super easy and you supposedly get points/credits to use on other sustainable brands as you mail in your bags. They also make a tech take-back bag for old phone cables and whatnot. I always feel bad throwing holey socks or whatever in the trash, and now I don’t have to.

Watching The Studio on Apple TV+. Truly haven’t loved a show this much in so long (other than my favorite show The Righteous Gemstones which just had its series finale - sad). I’m pretty sure most, if not all, of the scenes in The Studio are one take. As an actor/performer it’s the kind of shit you see and makes you feel alive (and jealous…season 2, hit me up). I highly recommend it if you like satire, specifically of Hollywood. The cast is also insane (positive).

Plant Paper. We have been using this bamboo, toxin-free toilet paper after we sampled a free roll from re_grocery. It’s nice and doesn’t leave any lint, or whatever the hell, on your body. If you have seen it on social media, Alicia Silverstone has an ad for them where she’s sitting on the toilet talking about how bad conventional toilet paper is. I recently saw her at Go Get Em Tiger, and I thought about telling her I loved her toilet paper ad while she was waiting for her coffee. And also Clueless of course. I did not talk to her. It’s called “boundaries.”

Sad PSA: Do NOT try to put on hand lotion that is clogged when you’re in the car. Long story short, but I tried to unclog a hand lotion bottle to moisturize my hands as I was getting on the freeway (what?) and the whole bottle exploded into my eye while I was driving. I’d show you a picture, but it is absolutely looks X-rated for reasons I will let you put together. I pulled off into a neighborhood and had to dump my entire water bottle on my face because I could barely see. It was a special moment.

The Bulletproof Coffee rebrand is rolling out. Once a biohacker’s java, I clocked their refresh when I was at EXPO West earlier this year. I talked to them and was like “wow, a departure from the biohacker vibe! Trying to appeal to a broader audience, huh?” And they said “This girl gets it.” And if there’s one thing about me—I get it. I actually really like Bulletproof coffee, and I consider myself to have a discerning palette when it comes to coffee. (Everyone says that; it’s so obnoxious.) No, Bulletproof isn’t a Santa Cruz-based roaster where you’ll get the ROAST DATE on the packaging (technically better to look at for freshness than expiration date), but they do supposedly test for toxins and mold and all that yada yada. Yeah, I don’t want mold in my coffee—sue me! I normally get the “Mentalist” roast.

Lastly, I found Everlane pants for $10 at Goodwill. Don’t sleep on Goodwill.

That’s all for this week! Let’s do this again sometime. LMK in the comments if you’ve had any existential crises lately.