ISSUE 4: GOOP'S GIFT GUIDES TURN ME ON!
My unsolicited commentary on the famous guides, plus a few things I like right now!
Thanks to all of those who’ve been reading along. I’m having fun.
If you are loving the newsletter so far, please leave a comment on the post or comment when I post about it on Instagram! It really makes my day and let’s me (and other people who haven’t read it yet) know you’re liking it!
If you’re new here, please subscribe or consider upgrading to a paid subscription to help fuel future issues. <3
GOOP GIFT GUIDES HAVE ARRIVED
Hark the Paltrow angels sing…goop, purveyor of high-end wellness, has launched its iconic holiday gift guides. And just like that, we have now stepped through the portal of the winter holiday vortex.
Year after year, goop’s gift guides make the news for their “outrageous” products, mostly for their price and how out of touch they are with the everyday Joe. However, I happen to think goop and Gwyneth Paltrow have a sense of humor. They know that the average person isn’t going to buy a lot of the items of these lists, and they even have a gift guide called “The Ridiculous but Awesome Gift Guide.”
And even if you’re still a hater, these little guides bring them media buzz more powerful than any of the bespoke vibrators at their Santa Monica HQ.
For goop, Christmas cums early.
I’m sure there are people in their audience that can spring for some of the higher ticket items, so the rest of us can just mind our business. Here, I’ll say it: WE ARE JEALOUS!!!! At least, I am — for some of the things!
Plus, there are numerous items that you’d see promoted by popular everyday influencers, and literally even just some ornaments, so everybody calm down. They are curating what’s already out there, so don’t hate the player, hate the game!
That said, this entire newsletter will now be my unsolicited commentary on select items from the goop gift guides, because this is my Super Bowl, and I am rooting for myself to win a stay at the Grand Hotel Tremezzo on Lake Como (on their “Send to your S.O.” list), thank you very much!
Let’s go.
UNDER $100 Gift Guide
VI02 Mouth Tape
Mouth tape is said to help with snoring and helping keep the microbiome of your mouth healthy if you’re someone who normally sleeps with their mouth open. I honestly just thought it was funny that this was on here, because the description for the “Under $100” gift guide is this: Special little (and not-so-little) somethings for your mother-in-law, your dog walker, your kid’s favorite teacher, your book club crew, and everyone in between.
Imagine your elder boomer mother-in-law unwrapping a gift, and it’s mouth tape. You attach the note, “Now it will be easier to keep your goddamn opinions to yourself!! (and stop snoring.) Love you, Carol!”
LOVERS Gift Guide
WOMANIZER Wave Showerhead
This shower head was designed to make you wet and make you wet! That’s because it’s also a clitoral massager aka a vibrator but with water. Talk about getting head! …in the shower.
This was created in partnership with faucet/shower head pros Hansgrohe. The design is apparently very good: upon further research, I discovered this product legitimately won a global design award (all panelists were very satisfied). According to the Womanizer website, this shower head is also eco-friendly and saves 60% more water than conventional shower heads. Which is great, because you’re now going to be spending at least 60% more time in the shower.
MEN’s Gift Guide
Champagne Saber
Why are we gifting men weapons? Ok, next slide.
WELLNESS Gift Guide
Having a wellness gift guide within goop seems redundant, but where else could you find…
LUXE Pickleballs
The main image on the gift guide was just a picture of the box, and I was so confused as to what these actually were. Pickleback shots but non alcoholic? Something testicle related? Little myofascial massage balls?
This is what the goop gift guide does to you. You’re served pickle balls, and your mind flies off into some obscure explanation of what this item possibly is. Well it’s pickle balls. Just some boring Millennial neutral colored pickle balls. The product copy says “you won’t have to worry that they’ll get mixed up with everyone else’s standard neon yellow balls.” I love that we are in an era where it’s like “oh honey, stand out with your flesh-toned pickle balls.”
FORWARD TO YOUR S.O. GIFT GUIDE
These are all the baller gifts that are definitely what the rich give each other as stocking stuffers. I’m not complaining. It’s like people watching but gift watching for the ultra wealthy. And there are some vision board items for me on here, ok? But I’m not gonna talk about those.
PARADISE ROW Leather Tennis Racquet Cover
So, like I was saying: goop has a sense of humor. The copy on the collection page for this item, a leather tennis racquet holder, is “Our other favorite court look.” I freakin love that. It’s a nod to how much media attention Gwyneth’s court looks got when she was on trial for the ski incident earlier this year.
Case in point: I think the media takes goop more seriously than goop does itself. That was probably also obvious by the vagina-scented candle that rocked the internet a couple years ago, but no one has a sense of humor! And btw, that candle sold out.
ARAMINTA CAMPBELL Custom Tartan Design
Ok, this is legitimately very cool. Maybe I’m saying that because I’m part Scottish. But there is a high-end tartan designer in Scotland that you can commission to create a custom tartan!! I pretty much never wear plaid, but something about this is very upper crust yet precious to me. If my dad was Logan Roy, I would get it for the whole family.
TRAVEL Gift Guide
The Nori Press
It’s a steamer! It’s an iron! It’s a vibrator!
Just kidding, it’s not. But you believed me, didn’t you!! *shakes fist* GOOP!!!
The Cook’s Gift Guide
OUR PLACE Wonder Oven
It’s giving Easy Bake Oven meets Anxious Millennial, and it’s also an air fryer. This is one gift on here that I wouldn’t be mad if I got. (Editor’s note: She wouldn’t be mad if she got any of these gifts.) I love all the colors that are available, and it evokes the same feeling in my body as when I was 8-years-old and had to decide what color iPod Mini I wanted (lime green). Something abut this little oven just makes me feel like everything is gonna be okay.
Last but not least:
THE KID’S Gift Guide
This whole gift guide was a rollercoaster for me. It was either like a charming book or for teens, a facial ice roller. But there was this:
LOUIS VUITTON Baby Wardrobe ($73,000)
I genuinely thought this was an American Girl Doll wardrobe that I had for Kit back in the day. As anyone who had an American Girl Doll knows, it was also probably a similar price. Louis Vuitton has really outdone itself with this, and I’m sure whatever baby uses this will one day grow up and not give a single fuck, mom. Happy Holidays.
IN SUMMARY
That was a very hasty jaunt through the goop Gift Guides, which you can check out for yourself here. I hope you had fun, I hope you feel inspired, I hope you feel aroused, as GP would love. Now, I’m going to go back through the guides to make a legitimate wishlist because honestly…there are some nice treats on there!! You know, the ones a freelance writer with a lust for high-end wellness could hope for.
FINAL SHOUTOUTS FOR THE WEEK
MY NEW FACE CREAM: I ran out of my cocokind resurrection polypeptide cream (which I LOVE), but when it was sold out at Target, I bought this Doré La Crème at Credo Beauty. So far so good, but I am kind of missing how uber-moisturizing the cocokind cream is, so I might have to go back. The air is very dry, and I refuse to turn into a prune before Christmas!
PUMPKIN PIE: I made this Minimalist Baker recipe this week. It was very easy to make (you just throw everything in a blender) and turned out yummy! I’d probably opt for adding the pumpkin pie spices individually next time because I like to add more cinnamon (it called for the mixed blend), but it was still good. I also did not make the crust on this recipe, but I used a gluten-free/vegan one from the frozen section of Whole Foods that was ok.
FAVE VEGAN YOGURT: Culina is the best vegan yogurt, in my opinion. It’s so dang thick, probably almost as thick as Anita’s, which is a small-batch ($$$) coconut yogurt I used to get, at a fraction of the cost. We just put the plain one on our tacos, and it totally gave it that sour cream taste that I miss!! Also their flavored ones are really good, too. My fave is the cherry!
GOOP at TARGET: Speaking of goop, they just launched an affordable line of clean skincare essentials they’ll be selling at Target and Amazon! It’s called good.clean.goop. The name is a snore, but honestly can’t wait to try.
That’s all for this week! Hold onto your hats because now it’s…November?!?!?
If you’re enjoying this newsletter, don’t forget to subscribe, leave a comment (!!!), tell your friends about it, or consider a paid subscription.
Have a very goopy week!
LJ
We all know about “everything is cake!,” but have you heard of “everything is vibrator!”
You really sold me (and horrified me) on the steamer/iron/vibrator Nori Press, and while it is not in fact a sex toy (thank god), it did make me wonder whether we can expect to see vagina steaming emerge as a holistic wellness trend???