ISSUE 32: DIE YOUNG
The Substance and the Bryan Johnson documentary back-to-back.
THERE’S BEEN A SLIGHT MISUSE
If you’ve watched The Substance, you know how the sentence above ends. And I can’t stop thinking about Demi Moore’s finger (!!!).
If you haven’t seen The Substance, (which I totally get because the only place to stream it is on MUBI (what is?) unless you rent it on Apple (which I did)) you are in for a treat.
This film, described as “body horror,” was written, directed, and produced by a French woman so sick in the head that I must meet her in this lifetime. (She currently has 5 Oscar noms for this film — I am ROOTING FOR HER!!)
To try my best not to spoil anything—though if you are reading this, just know there is no seatbelt and I WILL slam on the breaks—The Substance is about a TV fitness instructor/alleged Oscar-winning actress who gets cut from her own show so that the network can bring in some new blood, as it were. She spirals about how old and washed up she is, but gets an opportunity to create a younger, hotter version of herself.
I don’t really want to say more than that about the plot, but I WILL say that despite the fact that the volume on this film was turned all the way up to 100 and everyone played an insane caricature (including Dennis Quaid*), the most actual unrealistic part of this movie to me was that Demi Moore’s character thought she looked old.
I’m 31, and Demi Moore is literally double my age (62), and I’m pretty sure she looks younger and hotter than me.
But I was like ok I will play into this “REALITY.” French people, I swear to G…. so hot and existential.
I digress. But Demi does look amazing.
What struck me most about this film was its satire (love) and commentary on women’s grotesque attempts to still appear likable, beautiful, and young. I live in LA, and I do have to say that when you’re sitting next to a table of hot models at dinner, you think…should I get Botox?
Jokes on them, because I have to keep making faces for my characters and sketch comedy, and Botox would “ruin my career!”
I put that in quotes because I’m picturing me saying it to the hot models.
*Dennis Quaid asterisk. His character was soooo heightened and disgusting I hated it (art). I hope he isn’t like that IRL because I still picture him saying “HALLE?!” in The Parent Trap as the coolest hottest dad in the world. DQ may have unfortch taken a real-life Substance because his face was really giving “eternal youth attempt” and I think he dates women my age or younger. But Denny, if you’re reading this, you were soooo handsome in The Parent Trap. Please don’t do anything else. LYLAS, HAGS (at Camp Walden).
I loved The Substance so much and can’t wait to watch it again. I think it’s the kind of movie I’d want to be in one day *stares longingly out the window*. It’s so heightened and weird but also acted perfectly by all.
I wonder if anyone will feel inspired to not chemically modify their bodies after watching this film, but probably not. There are gonna be so many grandmas with lip fillers and BBLs in 30-40 years. I’m so happy for them.
BIOHACKING DADDY
In a sick twist of events, in the same weekend, I decided to watch the Bryan Johnson documentary DONT DIE: The Man Who Wants to Live Forever (Netflix). If you don’t know who Bryan Johnson is, he’s the rich tech guy who got plasma infusions from his son, and he’s spending all his money to stop aging and hypothetically live forever. (As the headlines say.)
I am enddddlessly fascinated by biohacking daddies—I’m writing a character of one in my one woman show—and this man was no exception.
The film wove in some interviews with leading doctors and scientists in the field of longevity which I found very interesting. While I kind of dismissed this guy as someone who was rich and bored, I also learned… that he is not sharing!
Let me explain: While this guy is trying all these progressive treatments to reduce his biological age (and tracking his progress), he hasn't donated any money to the medical field for proper studies to be conducted with a bigger group of people, proper controls, etc. So you have to ask…who is he actually helping? Maybe things have evolved and now he shares. They will teach about him in 3rd grade classes everywhere.
As a personal editorializing… I cannot believe the amount of supplements this man takes. And I used to roll deep with supplements. I’d go on vacation and my carry-on bag was giving Erewhon Santa Claus. But it seems wild…we’re talking over 50+ different supplements /day which:
Your body doesn’t necessarily absorb all supplements due to bioavailability
How does he know which ones are effective if he is taking that many and not testing each one’s results
Is he ok? No like is he ok
I actually know the answer to #3 because I watched the doc, but spoiler alert (and in case it couldn’t get weirder), it involves the Mormon church. I hope my great grandchildren get you meet you, Bryan!
I find it interesting how, at the same time in culture, we have a movie out about a woman who doesn’t want to look like she’s aging but would accept death if it meant she was hot, and a documentary out about a man who will one day die after trying every possible way to live. So, let me know in the comments: which way do you hate yourself?
OTHER CULTURE CONSUMETH
Oh, Mary!
I just got back from a trip to New York! I kept singing “Empire State of Mind” which is unfortunate for anyone who was around me. Oh, Mary! is an evil genius of a play by Cole Escola has been the tawk of the town you could say. When I knew I was going to be in New York, I could not leave without seeing it (LA is so far from…BroadWay *said in Midatlantic accent). This play is about Mary Todd Lincoln—you know, Abraham Lincoln’s wife. But that is pretty much the only familiar thing you will know going into this play because it’s giving life, Creative Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Cole Escola originated the role of Mary, but we got to see Betty Gilpin (of GLOW fame, if you know it!) and she abbbbsolutely crushed it. Titus Burgess is supposed to play Mary next in March which based on this role I can tell you will be iconic. GO SEE IT! By the way, we sat a bit close, but the theater is quaint so even if you ended up in the back row of orchestra or on an upper level, I’m sure you’d have an amazing view.
Be Ready When the Luck Happens by Ina Garten
The contessa hath spoken. You know Ina Garten right? Of “If you can’t summon the flames directly from hell, store-bought is fine”-fame. I used to watch Barefoot Contessa all. the. time. growing up (along with Food Network’s entire slate before it became all competition shows). From what small amount of facts I knew about Ina Garten’s life (like she used to work for the government in DC…if she were there now….it could change things…maybe….), I knew I wanted to read this book and learn more about this woman who seems endlessly in love with her husband Jeffrey who she was ALWAYS cookin’ for on BC. I’m about halfway through her book and it’s honestly a delight to read. The title of the book really says it all, because this woman has put herself in positions where she’s like “why not, let’s LIVE, baby!” That’s not a direct quote, so if you are Mrs. Garten’s legal team, please do not contact me.
COMMONS
I recently downloaded this app called COMMONS which, as someone with an environmental conscience (not to brag), I find incredible. The basic premise is that it pre-vets brands that are ACTUALLY environmentally conscious in their practices (serving as a great search tool) and then incentivizes you to purchase from those brands by giving you rewards (you can connect your credit card). If you want to get really freaky, you can track your carbon footprint based on your lifestyle habits. Carbon footprint references are kind of an eyeroll for me, since the concept of a carbon footprint was invented by the PR/marketing team for BP to put the onus on the CUSTOMER to “save the world” instead of giant polluting industry titans. Nice! (If you’re in marketing like me and care, it was Ogilvy who came up with it.) Nevertheless, I love that this app seems to be a wonderful ecosystem (with a nice interface) that helps you identify brands that are sustainable, clean, etc and - OH I FORGOT! - rewards you for shopping them over others that are less earth-friendly. So when it registers your purchases, you earn points to then go on and use towards other sustainable brands. Don’t ya love that? Vote with your dollar, babes!
That’s all for this week! Do you want to live forever? Do you want to perish with a BBL? Any fun stuff I should read/watch/consume? LMK in the comments and share Oh, That’s Good with your mom’s best friend.