ISSUE 26: SWAMP ASS IN LILLY PULITZER - A PALM BEACH TRAVEL GUIDE
Yeah, we liked Palm Royale that much.
PALM BEACH TRAVEL RECAP
Has a TV show ever swept you away so powerfully that you…booked a vacation to its location? If you’re a Harry Potter-head (Harry Pothead?) and you’ve traveled to a region where people say “blimey,” then you know what I mean.
However, my mom and I did not put on our striped scarves and head off to the inspiration for Hogwarts. Oh no.
We’d (separately) been watching Apple TV+’s new show Palm Royale (starring my idols Kristen Wiig, Laura Dern, Allison Janney, and Carol Burnett), so we decided to visit the land of pink, green, and shrimp cocktail— Palm Beach, Florida.
A SOFT PLACE TO LAND (FOR FALCONS)
After a day of cross-country travel, my mom and I started our Mother’s Day weekend with one night at the Hilton in West Palm Beach.
I haven’t stayed in a newer Hilton for a while, and honestly? The lobby decor was giving some serious Proper Hotel vibes.
After a night of cozy sleep, my mom opened the curtains on Saturday morning to admire our view of the pool. However, instead of commenting on the cozy lagoon, I heard her say “there’s a man with a bird on the roof.”
I was half-awake, so I perceived this moment as another Kristen Wiig classic moment:
But that was a movie. And this is Florida. So after I brushed my teeth, I investigated myself to find this:
Yes… a man…with a falcon… on the roof…of the hotel…
Upon seeing this, I said “Well, it is Florida.” My mom delicately asked, “should we tell the front desk?”
Yes. Probably. But we needed to get breakfast first! So falcon man had to wait.
SATURDAY BREAKFAST STROLL IN WEST PALM
According to my sources* (*Uber Drivers), West Palm Beach has seen quite a bit of development in recent years. The source of it? New Yorkers flocking down to Florida faster than you can say “no state tax, son.”
In this particular area of West Palm Beach (which is essentially across the street from the Hilton), there is a ton of development. Brand new shops, restaurants, and apartments that make up what I would call a Disney town. Not literal Disney (which is probably important to clarify because this is Florida), but rather, the town-like areas that developers create to emulate a little village that’s been there all along—except it was built in the last 10 years and your downstairs neighbor is a Lululemon. That’s Mrs. Lululemon to you.
There is a gorgeous, old, Spanish-style theater being renovated (pictured bottom right) that this area seems to flank around, like your cool grandma who is holding your family together—come hell or high water. (Which in Florida, well, the high water is coming.) I wish we could’ve gone in, but you know. Rules.
BRUNCH
We went to Pura Vida for brunch which is apparently a popular Miami spot for the cool yoga-turned-Barry’s Bootcamp girls. They have a few locations, including this one in West Palm Beach.
I got an omelette with GF toast and a smoothie on the side. It was overall pretty good, though the “guac” that came with the omelette tasted like it was a bit past its prime. However, I’m a SoCal girl now so I think this thing happens where you get picky about avocado-based foods and become completely insufferable to other people.
ONTO THE MAIN EVENT
If you thought we were staying at Falcon Palace the whole time—psyche. We had grander plans for the remaining days, and that was to stay at the iconique Colony Hotel. It opened in 1947 and hosted guests including Judy Garland, Lena Horne, John Lennon, Sophia Loren, Frank Sinatra, and JFK who would host dinner parties there. And in 2024, Leah Jereb and her mom. (Also I guess Jenna Bush Hager was there like 2 weeks before us.)
The Colony is quintessential Palm Beach. Pinks, greens, … a Dolce and Gabana store off to one side of the lobby. If you want the full history, have at it. It most recently went through a renovation and redesign of its guest rooms in 2022, and its private villas also underwent some redesigns recently.
I actually first heard about The Colony because Gwyneth Paltrow, mother of pop wellness and cooter candles, designed a Goop Villa at the Colony and it’s pretty dreamy (imo).
Also look at this marble in the bathroom…. STOP!
We actually asked if we could see the Goop villa while we were there and they were like “sorry, it’s booked for the duration of your stay.” Flex.
You can see the other villas (some are also co-branded) here.
The Lobby and rest of the hotel was also a nice work of art.
Yes, it’s all PINK + GREEN! And yes, we did ride in the little explorer truck thing. Multiple times.
Our Room
All of the guest rooms are designed differently, and we landed one that really said “baby you’re a firework.”
All rooms come with Frette linens, Dyson hairdryers and straighteners, and some other nice things I can’t remember. Look online! What am I—Google?
Since this is an older hotel, the bathrooms definitely are tiny and have my biggest pet peeve of showers—the ones that just have a panel of glass and then are open at the back, letting water fly wildly onto the bespoke wallpaper they will absolutely have to replace in the next year. Also, not great ventilation/fans. But airflow is a modern luxury, and The Colony is luxurious in every other way.
Now, I also want to take a moment to say that this isn’t how I would ever decorate a room in my own home, but it really does do something to immerse you in the Palm Beach sphere of design and existence.
Me wearing all black in our very Palm Beach room:
DINNER NIGHT 1
We made a reservation at Palm Beach Grill, which is like an old school but upper crust steakhouse vibe. They had “attire standards” which I thought was funny but also Florida is the type of place where you might see someone wearing a bright red baseball cap unironically, so bless the attire standards!
You have to walk by the massive open kitchen to get to the hallway where the bathroom is, which makes for a fun little cooking show experience. But also I’m like…this seems like a recipe for disaster of run-ins. “CORNER!!!!” YES, CHEF!!” “I’M PEEING MY PANTS!”
But I survived the trip to the bathroom.
Now as for the meal. I could’ve ordered a nice polite piece of fish, or a steak. But no. I went straight for the one thing that I knew I probably couldn’t get at another nice restaurant anytime soon: a hotdog.
Yes, a hotdog with a homemade bun (I broke gluten-free for it—swelled up the next day but worth it), all the works, and with fries, Cole slaw, and a deviled fuckin egg on the side.
It was…so good. My mom got ribs. WE LIKE TO EAT WITH OUR HANDS, OK? And luckily they brought some steaming hot towels to clean our grubby paws off. It actually was so steamin hot it hurt. Should I sue?
DON’T DEPEND ON ANYONE BUT THE HOTEL
We got back to the hotel after wandering around a shopping plaza where the restaurant was, and we realized we both forgot toothpaste. And by forgot, I mean we both assumed each other was going to pack it. We definitely wouldn’t have survived the Titanic. “I thought you were getting my life vest.” “I thought YOU were getting my life vest.”
Head hung low, I called the front desk and asked if they could bring up some toothpaste because I smelled like hotdog.
I’m honestly glad I did, because this is what they brought us:
MARVIS toothpaste and mouthwash (I’d never heard of this, but it seems…nice) and a CO Bigelow natural bristle toothbrush. If I return, I will be forgetting my toothpaste again.
MOTHERS DAY
We woke up and went for a walk on the beach which had more shells than I have ever seen in my life. We also stopped by the famous Worth Avenue clock tower positioned right in front of the beach (Worth Ave is the famous shopping strip in Palm Beach with all the designer boutiques).
HOTEL BRUNCH
We ate brunch at The Colony—we both got the veggie breakfast but asked for it with eggs. And my mom asked for it with a *single* piece of bacon. One thing about us, is we will make it very hard for you to enter our order into the POS system.
ACTIVITES IN PALM BEACH
I’m going to group all of these together, completely throwing my day-by-day format out the window. Sorry! If you’re a Virgo, I’m sorry!
WORTH AVENUE
Worth Avenue is like the Rodeo Drive of Palm Beach. Every designer store you can imagine, but it’s honestly way more low key and has a lot of nice Spanish architecture here and there (which is one thing I realized LA and Florida kind of share…cute…)
We stopped in a lot of the shops along the way. Use your imagination but like Gucci, Fendi, etc. And of course, the flagship Lilly Pulitzer store. I am SO not a Lilly Pulitzer girl. I’m pretty sure black has been my favorite color to wear since I was 10. But I did try on this dress (with built in shorts) and I honestly would probably still buy this. It was cute!
Also, here is me in the solid marble Gucci bathroom:
FLAGLER MUSEUM
The Flagler Museum is a massive old mansion that used to belong to Henry Flagler. Flagler was a multi-industry mogul—we’re talking railroad, real estate, hospitality—who basically developed Palm Beach. I will save the full history lesson, but you gotta check this out. It’s basically like a European palace in Florida. The story behind his family is also interesting too. Let’s just say I’d love to be a cut in on this trust fund.
THE BREAKERS
We stopped by the famous Breakers hotel. This is the hotel that people loooove to visit in Palm Beach. “Oh, me and Francis are going to The Breakers for the weekend. I’m ailing, darling. I need the sea air.” The Breakers was originally built by Henry Flagler (yes the mogul guy who lived in the palace above), and the hotel has actually burnt down twice and was rebuilt each time. Third time’s a charm I guess (or it’s haunted, which would be my vote). It was packed when we were there, and honestly, I’m sure it’s nice but it had more ~historic~ dark vibes (like a church…). I definitely preferred The Colony better in all its boutiqueyness, but it was fun to check out the Breakers. It’s a massive compound that also has shops. It kind of feels like you’re on a cruise ship, if that makes sense.
CHURCH MOUSE
I think Church Mouse is closing…but it is a great thrift shop with clothes, furniture, and a bunch of other things that’s technically owned by a church—I think. Or maybe the owner is a mouse. *Checks notes* Mickey?
Anyway, I found this outfit which I said “I need to wear these pants next time I have a show.” And reader, I did wear these pants (and the shirt) at my last show. It was great. They are silk, double-lined, and cost $35 dollars. And oversized men’s Ralph Lauren button downs are my go-to fave for looking like a rich mom and entrepreneur who does it all on the Upper East Side.
After Church Mouse, we went to Surfside Diner for lunch, which is very much a diner and was verrrrry satisfying . Plus, the water glasses were larger than my head, which is how it should be in America.
A BEACH MOMENT
The Colony Hotel has a “Beach Butler” service which sounds uppity as a by-stander, but is really convenient if you’re the one who gets to enjoy it. We did a longer beach afternoon one day and got to take advantage of this little setup the Colony has—beach chairs, towels, water, and if you want, you can order breakfast or lunch room service (beach service, though) to you on the shore. I mean, that’s nice. Anyone who has ever gone to the beach knows that the worst part of going to the beach is carrying all your beach gear. This…well, this gets rid of that. Crazy how paying for things gets rid of life’s little hurdles……….
……
……………..
It’s giving “I’m looking for a man in finance.”
LAST THINGS TO MENTION
We also had dinners at True Food Kitchen (back over in West Palm Beach) and at Cafe Boulud. I have been to multiple locations of True Food Kitchen multiple times, and honestly the burger I got there this time was one of the best burgers I’ve ever had. I was like OH, this is what beef is supposed to taste like (beef has tasted sus to me lately…anyone else)? Also we had this verrrry good ube key lime tart that turned pink which is very Palm Beach of it.
There are a couple New York establishments in Palm Beach (like Sant Ambroeus) and Cafe Bouldud is one of them. It was fine, but it was a restaurant that you would dine at in like 2005 and be like “life can’t get any better than this” In 2024, not as much, however I did get chicken, and it was so delicious that I was convinced it must’ve had a very happy life, graduated from Princeton, gone on to save multiple lives through Doctors Without Borders, and then it retired and donated its body to the culinary arts. However there were some weird sugar daddy vibes going on in that restaurant, and if you want to learn more, you can text me.
Lastly….our final night we got dessert at our hotel (The Colony) and it was … so good. I’m honestly sad we didn’t eat at The Colony more besides dessert, because these were unreal. I got a nondairy ice cream trio (homemade) with Toasted Almond, Chai, and Coconut scoops. And my mom got this deconstructed Carrot Cake that would in fact make you say “mommy.”
TTFN
Ok my readers…that’s all for now on Palm Beach. Let me know what you think in the comments!!!
FYI - if you have been a paying monthly subscriber (THANK YOU!) I have paused billing on all subscriptions. The reason is…I’m about to be very busy, and as you may have noticed, haven’t been able to do weekly issues recently so I didn’t want to keep charging anyone for me writing nothing. I have some fun work and comedy things cooking that I will share more on soon, and I look forward to your support there!
I am not stopping the newsletter altogether! But my energy has to go elsewhere for now, so I will probably do more sporadic issues if something comes up that I simply MUST write about! So look out for those spontaneous posts.
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Until the next issue!! Appreciate you all being here!
LJ
