ISSUE 16: DYS-FUNCTIONAL BEVERAGES
An IRON-ic cautionary tale, drink testing, and other stuff floating around.
WHEN MEDICINAL PLANTS TREND
I recorded this video a couple weeks ago, as I was compelled by the gods to record my thoughts in realtime. The gods did not help me with an ideal angle for filming, so let’s call it a voice memo with moving picture.
I’ve decided to share it in hopes that this message could be helpful to hungry little wellness hippos who are eating/drinking products with every medicinal mushroom and root under the sun. Also this video is the type of thing I created this newsletter for. God forbid I share it on Instagram and someone who doesn’t ~get it~ watches.
Comically, a few days after I recorded this video in which I snark about “sparkling adaptogenic tea,” I got a new client that makes…well, an adaptogenic beverage. My comment was not a knock at all, but we have to laugh at the trends sometimes.
Without further ado (please note my eyes are on the road the whole time!!!!!!):
Also, I edited it out, but right before this I was talking about how annoyed I was because I listened to a clip of a podcast with someone I’d describe as a manfluencer who said you should “read a book about something terrible that happened to someone so you feel more grateful about your life.” I’m not gonna drop the name, but it was Skinny Confidential (first time listene—clearly skeptical—but trying to understand the craze.)
MARKET RESEARCH
It’s crazy that I just told you proceed with caution when drinking functional beverages, because days after recording that, this was my basket at Erewhon.
That’s right, I got a new client with a product in this space, and your girl had to do some market research. I’m pretty sure going to Erewhon for a work project means I’m in the middle of a professional peak.
I pulled some options off the shelf, keeping in mind the needs of my client. I also asked someone who worked at Erewhon what the two most popular brands of functional beverages were based on what he’d seen people buying. He called out Heywell and Odyssey. “Really?” I said, as if I didn’t believe him. “Yeah, I like them.” He said. So, I still don’t know if they were his favorites or customer favorites, but I threw them in the basket.
A LONG-TERM TASTE TEST ENSUES
My boyfriend got home from a long work trip, and I said FYI, I have 10+ cans of functional beverages in the fridge. I’m a modern woman!
What is a functional beverage? you might be asking. Well: “A functional beverage can be defined as “any non-alcoholic drink that provides additional health benefits due to the inclusion of any bioactive component from a plant, animal, marine or microorganism source”’ (Gayathry & John, 2021). How’s that feel? Me going straight scientific journal reference?
As for my approach, it’s basically any drink that has an herb, adaptogen, mushroom, or compound meant to enhance your mental and/or physical performance and overall well-being.
It also occurred to me that as I looked at all of these cans, the majority of them had some type of caffeine content. So either I had to conduct my taste test over the course of 10 days, or I was about to blast off into space the old fashioned way.
I’ve proceeded with a double fisting fiasco, going for it 1-2 times a day but never finishing — and that’s what it’s like to be a woman! 🥁 Haha, Dad, I’m kidding! It’s a pun! (My dad reads this newsletter, but I will not be censored.)
HERE THEY ARE
I’m going to share some of the functional beverages I’ve tasted so far and review them on the following criteria: shelf appeal/branding, taste, and whether or not I’d purchase again (which will include multiple factors). I’m NOT going to review based on the quality of the added “functional” elements alone, because for a lot of these (like I said in my video), there probably isn’t enough quantity of a functional herb in these that will change your life after one can. But if there is a particular component that I’m excited about, I will mention it. Also, these are just listed in the order I tried, not my favorites. I’m also not done trying all of the cans I purchased, so…
Odyssey
This is one of the brands that the guy working at Erewhon said he liked a lot. This flavor, “Dragon Fruit Lemonade” was certainly accurate, and it didn’t have a highly artificial taste despite the second ingredient being erythritol. I get nervous about the erithrytol content in a lot of these drinks, which is a sugar alcohol/synthetic sweetener. Sure, it’s great if you’re trying to avoid sugar, but if you have too much of it…well, readers, you will get diarrhea.
This is one of many drinks that are adding medicinal mushrooms to drinks (in extract form), and something about drinking mushrooms in liquid form is weird to me. But overall, it was pretty good. This one has lion’s mane (good for brain health/cognition), cordyceps (endurance), Ginseng (whole body support, also energy sans caffeine), and L-theanine which is popping up in a lot of drinks now and helps ease feelings of stress / anxiety.
SHELF APPEAL: Like. The combo of botanical elements with a more “look it’s scientific” graphic balances well for me. I like the font which reminds of me the font for Kate Berlant’s one-woman show, KATE.
FLAVOR: Pretty good, but I’m not completely hooked. Appreciate the more natural taste from the actual dragonfruit puree and citrus juice in here.
BUY AGAIN?: Probably not but maybe if I was trying to impress someone, which is a dumb way to impress someone. I feel like a lot of rich guys in Venice drink this while building their next app idea—I’m gonna pitch “finding out where people who’d appreciate what you have to say are hanging out” And call it Map-splain.
hiyo
hiyo is branded like a nonalcoholic ~elixir~ as a replacement for your cocktail. For me that doesn’t really fit for this brand. Their ingredients are similar to the other ones I’m mentioning here, they just happen to be saying “hey drink this instead of alcohol to feel good.” Ok, fine. That’s definitely a way to play the game in the functional beverage market. But I think brands like Ghia really have a chokehold on the non-alcoholic alternative. With Ghia, 1) I love the branding but 2) the ingredients they use are actually reminiscent of an aperitif you’d order before enjoying pasta.
My hot take/personal opinion is that if a brand is going to label themselves as a non-alcoholic alternative booze, it should evoke a similar flavor profile to that drink. A brand like hiyo positioning itself as a non-alcoholic alternative is a reach for me. If we’re labeling things that make us feel good without alcohol as alcohol alternatives, I’m gonna label a pint of ice cream as an alcohol alternative. I get why brands do it (a hot thing to do as more people explore sober curiosity), but I have a strict benchmark!
SHELF APPEAL: Summer-y. I’m guessing they launched for some summer season (haven’t researched it) because I could see this competing with some light craft beer or cider cans. The can is sunrise/sunset-evoking. But the other flavor I got literally just had an upside down version of the same gradient above which felt boring to me.
FLAVOR: Didn’t love. This is a cautionary tale for using synthetic sweeteners. The flavor I tried (blackberry lemon) tasted like a melted bomb popsicle (the red, white and blue one). Again, I can see that working for a summer-positioned brand, but I don’t like that for my fun little drinkies. However, you might!
BUY AGAIN?: Probably not. Flavor was a deal breaker for me due to my own palette but that’s subjective. It does have a LOT of functional ingredients but with so many….my guess is there’s just a little squirt of each. However, you could totally bring this to a spring/summer hang and seem like THE coolest girl. So if you wanna be a cool, care-free girl at the party, this is for you.
heywell
I have seen this brand aggressively at Erewhon for a while. I haven’t reached for it because …gasp! I think the branding is just fine. I’m not like ooh la la who’s this sexy little minx? You know how you say that to packaged goods?
This is one of the drinks that the erewhon employee to checkout and friends, this was my favorite! Let’s cut to the chase:
SHELF APPEAL: Boring. I’ve seen this brand prominently but was like “nah I’m good.” I think I’m good on muted secondary colors (unless they are muted primary colors—which I have been into, tbh.)
FLAVOR: The best I’ve tried so far. I attribute that to the high amount of lime juice (this drink flavor is lime, after all) that gives it a naturally sweet and tart taste. Overall it was really balanced.
BUY AGAIN?: YES. I actually would. I almost did last night but stopped myself because I got another little treat lol (more below). They have two “calm” flavors and two “energize” flavors that have caffeine. I really liked, and I feel like the fact that I liked the taste made me feel even better about the functional ingredients in it. It’s wild how we really do shop for flavor over function, even for functional beverages. I’ve also drank the most disgusting green things “for health” that you can imagine, and even still I’m like ooh yummy I like this and will buy it because “it’s good for me, too???” We are simple creatures.
I tried a few more beyond this, but maybe i’ll do a video if you really care. Let me know in the comments if you wanna know my thoughts on the other drinks I had! They include DRAM, Barcode, and Space Tea.
Do you drink functional beverages? Do you have a fav? Do you even CARE?
THIS IS THE LITTLE TREAT I GOT LAST NIGHT
This is the February "Erewhon member drink” that you get for free between the 1st and 14th of the month. I forget to get mine every single month, and so that’s why at 7pm last night I walked out of Erewhon with this Hailey Bieber Weenie Hunt Jr. spinoff.
Yes, folks, that’s right. It’s basically the H-Beebs Strawberry Glaze smoothie with a few less ingredients (but still sea moss!) and made with whey protein and cow’s milk (I got it made vegan though). It was kind of boring to me (this is a theme in this issue, I suppose? Me being bored at drinks?) that they weren’t more creative with the member drink but you know they were like “uhhhh Valentine’s Day…we have to do something PINK!!!”
To be honest, I am kind of bored by the Erewhon member drinks (the Instagram comments appear to be, too) but what am I gonna do. FIGHT FOR MY RIGHTS? Ha-ha! Good one.
But anyway, this was fine. Controversially I don’t love the Hailey Bieber smoothie, but I was craving strawberries yesterday, so this hit the spot-ish.
BEST DRESSED
I haven’t really tried the Acid League products (which is wild because I love their branding) but I picked this Miso Caesar dressing up at Whole Foods and it HITS!!! It’s not overtly miso, just a really solid caesar. I ate it with raw radishes when I got home. Chic.
FUN CAREER NEWS
I worked on a major campaign for De Beers Jewelers and saw a headline I wrote for the first time IRL!!!! in HOLLYWOOD! It was so freaking cool. I talk about it more on my Instagram HERE.
If you need a vivacious copywriter and want to work together, email me at hi@leahjereb.com.
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That’s it for this week!
Talk to you later and let me know if you wanna hear more drink reviews!!!!
LJ